1401: Hydromanager

Three months since I blogged. My writing is going to be shaky.

That's why I feel like using fragment sentences. Being all choppy and stupid and stuff. All you would need to know (if you weren't ever familiar with my Xanga) is that I like to blog when there are real things to say. Unlike say Twitter. A site like Twitter (for a person like me) is for jokes, tags & stupid caricatures, photos and headlines and mental tornadoes. Well blogging is heavier, slower & more careful, for different little things. My Xanga, when I had it, was for personal messages, considerations, realisations, analogies & questions & some emotional moments.

Yea it's okay. I don't think emotional moments are reserved for blogging middleschoolers. I think I've had some of those too. And I'm picking up right where I left off, after that 1400th entry, where again I can come to a blog sometime and just whistle in the dark, Do you know what I mean?

No time wasted. The thoughts have hit me in the last few days and here are some of the direct-to-person ideas I had . . .

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1. Some people will miss you after you have gone away. Oddly enough there are some people who seem to miss you even when you are nearby. That is what you were like. With every conversation it seemed like you cared & you would not say anything meaningless. You know I always thought there was a sweetness around you, something that was honest & even a little heroic. If you were my rival, say for a job opening or in a boat race, I always had the feeling that you would beat me, that you were about ten steps ahead of me on the Good Person O'Metre. Well. It's possible you are, only I never felt threatened by it. I felt like you were so much more of a mentor than a rival, And I guess it's just weird how a little air of pleasantness can turn a predator into a real like role model.

2. Sometimes we get hit. We'll bump our legs or fall on one hip and then we will Feel the hit for a while after it happens. We don't think that our leg will hurt forever only because we bumped it once, only all the same it's hard to ignore it, hard to forget that something has caused the feeling. Well you know what. Not that long ago, the same thing happened with you. It was only one moment, a few gestures and a few words, that hit me somewhere and got me feeling a little enchanted. I think you were on my mind for the rest of the day. Very hard to forget it. And it's just an interesting effect. I guess that I knew it would finally go away, that one bump on the leg can't make a little pain last forever. Only it wasn't a bad feeling. & it was very much felt. And it's so weird how far one little moment will push you.

3. I think you're easily bored. Or at least you were. So why are you smiling at things that would normally bore you? or things that would make you roll your eyes if I were the one to do them? I hate making guesses for those kinds of questions because in the end I just don't know. Only I think that's it. I think it's about people. And a person to you is either acceptable or an eye-roller. How many eye-rollers do you know at this point? am I the only one? I don't think so, I would guess that I am one of two, only again what do I know. The point is, you will definitely smile at the good ones, You'll pay tips at a restaurant you like in the first place. Only as far as restaurants go I know you don't like me any longer. I wish I could get the tips and the smiles that I had once, only there's nothing I can do is there. No I guess not.

4. Almost a year ago, I wrote these words to you: 'Standing beside you I feel I should say something . . . You're convincing me that I should say more of what I feel. One of these days I will probably begin blurting things out & I may have you to thank.' Well it took almost a year, only I finally did it. And I did it to you. Blurted out a few words that I had never expressed before. Outside looking in, someone would say, 'Not a big deal. Harmless. A nice three words that don't go very far.' Only you have to understand I had never said that to anyone, not like that. And it was just a big hurdle of guts for me. What do you think, buddy? Do you think it will happen again? There's a lot of people I see very often these days, people who might hear those same few words if I had a sudden rush of guttiwuts. & will that ever happen? who knows, only once again, I'm sure you are to blame for this.

7. 'Hey how have you been doing lately?' That's a question that we hear a lot of the time. When I answer that question I'll try & do it honestly, I'll try and give an answer that doesn't look like I copied it off someone's paper. Not 'Okay' or 'Fine' or 'Pretty good,' only instead an answer that is thought out and real, something that won't show up on Google. You know what else? A few months ago, after I had landed in San Antonio, I said I wanted to hear from you. What's weird is, I wasn't kidding. It's just a thing I still wonder about. Were you and I on different levels? Like maybe you thought I was smalltalking you? I don't blame you if that's what happened because that really will happen a lot. I guess I just hope one thing, and that's that you aren't trying to get away from it, aren't trying to run away from the talk we should really have. Odds are you just forgot. And nothing in the entire world is worth a paragraph this long. Only I was a born for these paragraphs and you know it. I hope everything is all right. I hope you wouldn't mind coming out of those trees for a while and saying just a few things to me . . .

you are all so wonderful.
-Bill