1. You said something. Or, communicated something. And in a nutshell, it was this: 'Never put me in charge; Never give me control; Never say the steering wheel is in my hand, because it is you who must take charge, it is you who must drive, & it is you who will move things from Point A to Point 2.' And because you said this (or, communicated this), I always have wanted to honor your Feeling, and I never tried giving you the steering wheel. What's weird is, there's no way of knowing where you've gone. Maybe you flew on a rocketship to the moon. I don't know. I think it is funny thinking about you, because of the way you built a convenient trap. You would rather that we bother you, that we run until we find you, only I almost do not think you want to be found. in any case, not very passionately . . . I wonder if I am the first person that felt trapped; 'What do I do now? Is the ball in their court, or do I play with the ball in my own little empty court?' m m m m m m m m m m m m m m
2. After I came home from Austin, there was a weird peace in my brain. I think, all of a sudden, I was kind of content, entirely content with an evening spent alone because the rest of the world seemed too unstable and gelatinous. I thought of a future that is very unlike my dreams, and I did not feel afraid. Maybe I can manage, I thought. nothing is impossible. Then it was you. I saw you a few times, and you did a few things unconsciously & you did not know that I would feel pain. You started a weird fire, where I wasn't looking for intimacy, for meaning, for closeness, nor being Real. You made me want
Relief
and I still think I want this. Give me a bowl of Relief and I can fall asleep, very happy. I am sorry if I am being vague, or not making sense, only I think you should know about the idea of Relief. That is, someone who is on his death bed, at the end, could ask for a few pills and gasses because he doesn't want to feel the pain; Not because he thinks it will keep him from dying. That is the relief that I want, too. I can face this death, maybe, I can finally confront it, only not without relief, because some pain just will not stop. You made me want relief really badly, buddy. I tried finding it after I met you. I don't know if I came close, only it was worth it.
~
I actually kind of like the idea of Travel. going to new countries, seeing the world & all that stuff. Not to sound mean, only all the people who have invited me to Travel are boring. No, not boring people, I mean there wouldn't be anything exciting about traveling with them. With the right person or persons, a nice trip would be really, really nice.
Maybe that's the problem: I have never traveled with the right people. Therefore I sometimes lack the thrills that other people got to experience. Some people get a Thrill when they see a beautiful mountain view, only I don't get a thrill. I get the feeling that I am wasting time. Maybe that's because I am not in the right place, and not with the right people; Maybe if I had the right kind of trip, I could get that Thrill too. I never really had the moment where I saw the great outdoors or the great cities, and had my breath taken away.
~
3. You know when I do get my breath taken away? When I see people like you.
I hate the notion of 'It's something I would understand, and something you could never understand,' because everyone seems to want their own massive collection of those. Only I have to wonder. I have to wonder how many other people know what this feels like, to see a human-being in front of them and to appreciate it much more than some outdoor hiking trail in Wyoming, or some lofty mountain in Europe. People like you are what is beautiful in this life, who make me so enamored by everything they have inside them, I can't even decide what I want to do next. I don't know, I can't pin it down. I do not want to insult anyone, or say anything wrong. It's just, why are your dreams so far away? Why do you dream of big careers, studying medical advances & travel and languages, & executive positions and machines & finances, Why do you want to go all over the world, to Mexico, Singapore, Buenos Aires, London, Rome, and to the Moon, when there is just one human not far away who is so much better than all those places?
I don't want to go to Brazil, or Hong Kong, or Australia, I want to go to you.
And if I could go to Brazil with you, well, only then would Brazil be worth my time . . .
it's a stupid thing to say
Only I guess you either get it, or you don't. Who knows.
~
4. You will need to wait your turn. Maybe tomorrow, or some other day.
I am going downstairs, and I will probably sleep.
Good night~
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