1415: Dead Man Drinking

I have too many thoughts
And feelings, questions, etcetera
I won't try & sort them
so read if you want

~

I know now (better than I ever did)
What I do not want to be;

I don't want to be like you.

You try things and they won't work. What's embarrassing is, I know what you want and I think everyone else knows. We can see it, we know the way you are thinking & working and we all know how pointless it becomes. It isn't going to work, buddy. Your behavior will get you nowhere. And in my brain, I will tell you those words, 'Stop trying because it isn't going to work, stop trying because this is embarrassing for you.' Every time my brain says these Things to you, my brain must also tell these things to Me. if I do not want to be a hypocrite, that is, if I want to be realistic. I have tried all the same things, I have done the things you have. I have run around with the mental clipboards, the plays drawn up in my head, where to go & what to say and thinking, thinking about when I will reach the end-zone that you and I are after. If I am going to be honest with you, then I have to be honest with me; Stop it, you, And stop it, me, too, Let us stop then, you and I, Let us stop chasing what we really want so badly.

There are probably very few feelings quite as desolate as when you realise -
'The life that I felt destined for? Maybe destiny is saying No.'
You thought God was in your heart & He said, 'You were meant for this.'
Then it turns out, maybe, He never said that, I dreamed it, maybe.
He wants me to go somewhere else, maybe, and I still haven't heard it,
Fate made you need it, Fate never let you have it

I am an empty water pistol in the Sahara

~

You. I will probably never understand. Ever see those magazines, which say 'GET MUSCLES NOW,' and have a picture of someone with too many muscles, someone that looks kind of too strong, even to be healthy or to be normal? You think 'What the heck did they do to themselves? How did they end up like That.' In the non physical way, I think you are almost the same. What did you do? How did you become this big selfish, non feeling, non caring, powerful soul-crushing rock? Where did you get that kind of power and where could I find it too? Maybe I know. Your battle in life is uphill, or was, and you probably had to break through walls to even live. Now because of that, you're stronger? You got tough? Now because of that, you can crumple up human beings like paper balls and you won't even think of them during the next hour. Well. I don't understand. There can't be an animal that is this triumphant. I know I probably imagined it all. Gave you so much power because that is what I do to people. Give them animal abilities and like living in the shadow of a big, human King Kong. Don't you ever miss me? Ever?

NO ONE EVER THINKS. NO ONE EVER ANALYSES.
Not compared with me. I'm not the only fish out-of-water because there are many of us, Except I am the only one who knows about his gills. The other few fish are dying in peace because they don't have the brains to know what water is. They aren't scared and I would rather be them. They don't see an everyday sight, hear an everyday phrase, see a scene from a movie or a note for a song, and suddenly see the whole animal world drowning them, leaving somebody to die while the rest of the world laughs

I won't ever forget your wedding anniversary party, because you made it to Fifty Years.
I feel happy that I was there. It was the right thing to do, going there, celebrating and remembering what a wonderful person you were, so wonderful, that somehow you had made the trip to Fifty. it is impossible to remember you without knowing that you were wonderful, That you were a heroine, an achiever, and that you were rewarded for all those virtues. Don't you know that I am ashamed, now? That I know, somewhere inside me, that I failed you? I had my chances, more than once after you died, to be as wonderful a person as you were, to be so wonderful that someone would really want to know me. You would have succeeded. You could have pulled it off, and no one in their right mind would ignore you, would walk away, would throw you on the side of a lake and leave you there. If you gave anyone a gift they would give you their thanks, if you sent anyone a text, or letter, I know they would write you back, and if you wanted to know someone better, they would not run down the hall and hide from you. Only they did these things to me, Because I failed you, I guess? I am not the beauty that you were. And the more I try to be any kind of beauty at all, the more I see the writing on the wall, 'Stop trying because this isn't going to work, stop trying because this is embarrassing for you.'

On a nearby branch of the family tree,
it's love in bloom, and your legacy lives on,
and all I have to show for myself, my love,
is a bunch of 'Reads,' 'Delivereds,' 'Seens' . . .
I love you

~

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
There is no list long enough which contains all the names of people, the ones whom I have failed, bothered, desired, and toward whom I grew so very useless as time went by. I guess in the end you have to look at your list of failures and realise that they are indeed failures. 'When you get to the last page, close the book.' Let us stop then, you and I, and really, I don't trust myself to make a big decision like that. It would take a lifetime of negotiating with myself, and when it's all done, I will probably be ready to die in a hospital. Only if I could move in that direction. It would be nice. If I could move there things would be easier. And in that time. Who knows what could happen.

There is also no list long enough which contains all the times, all the times when someone has promised me there is some pool in the Sahara waiting. I heard it in a thousand conversations, a hundred of them online, from the young and the old and the friends and even the remote ones, people who were little more than strangers. Really, they said, I am not a water pistol in the Sahara. They say I am a wineglass in a lemonade stand, and there is a lot of dumb lemonade in this world.

I agree there is a lot of dumb lemonade in this world
I sell a lot of lemonade when I am at work
Seriously, is our lemonade even that good?
I don't know. I really just don't know.