1426: Uncontrollable Sphere

The fact that I write to you in numbered bullet points
Means nothing. Sometimes I just think of something new like that

~

'it would have been worth a wound, it would have been worth many wounds, to know the depth and loyalty which lay beyond your cold mask . . . '

1. Remember the question I asked? 'was I in love with you' ?
2. Maybe the answer really is, absolutely & finally, 'No'
3. Maybe the question is, Did my heart get broken?
4. ~~Can you get your heart broken by a friend?
5. By someone you didn't have 'feelings' for.
6. Well we're already at Paragraph #6 ~ Can you?
7. I'll tell you what's scary.
8. 'was I in love' seems even less likely now than
9. 'am I'
10. I don't know though.

I won't tell you what their names are,
Only be contented to know that the letters stand for their names.
In a post-C world, survival became the foremost thing. In a post-C world, I didn't care about how many friends I had. Nor did I care about what my emotions were doing, and what people thought of me, & what I was supposed to do with my life. All that mattered was that I lived. In a post-C world, survival got harder. Living on your own in a place like Town Lake, going through a stale routine with school & sandwiches, That was death.

11 This means nothing.
12. I don't think about you that much.
13. Except I am Not beyond the limit yet.
14. I am beyond the limit once I see a photo of you . . .
15. Without suddenly getting all this weird soup inside me.
16. What. Am I really not 'over' this
17. No I guess not. Not really.
18. It's okay.
19. The surgery is over. I just have to lie in bed now.
20. I know it is frustrating how long that takes . . .

In a post-K world, survival became a little easier. I didn't need a three-course dinner to survive. I didn't need a bunch of satisfying relational ingredients. All I needed was a brown box from a parachute, 'Instant Survival Dinner, Add Water.' In a post-K world, the term was 'relief.' That's all I needed.

21. Why did I have to be so chemically gross
22. I saw something about a psychological study, They said,
23. 'Think of anything, only Do Not think about bears!!'
24. They all thought of bears.
25. In the same way, someone advised,
25. 'Allow some fantasizing.'
26. What the heck does that mean?? Fantasizing??
27. What????
28. Oh no
29. I know what it means
30. I wish I weren't made this way

In a post-M world I think I am all right. YES, BELIEVE IT, or not, in a post-M world I don't really need anything. I can even understand that the rest of the world is zoo-like, that without your phone-calls & car rides I am still alive, very much a person if not the R-word itself . . .

You are only a bump in the road, bud. It's a post-M world. I'll let the germ get through my plumbing then it will be gone. Do you realise that this blog is all I can muster while the germ is still inside?