Once, we were in your car, going to one of the best places to eat. I was excited about that, only Things got really bad really fast. Or I mean, you said something that made me feel wrong, because it made me feel like I existed for nothing. As if all of the progress I had made, all the personal readjustments, the work and construction & rebuilding since High School had left me no different, or hardly any different, and I had done nothing at all to make myself a better person. 'Am I really good for anything?' I wondered, as soon as you said it. Because you used an adjective, a very trendy adjective, which was not really an adjective from my past only it was basically the modern day substitute. You know, I still think you are one of the most upright and reliable people I know from Austin. Only I will not pretend that your Adjective didn't hurt me.
Then there is you.
You said the exact same thing, and not very long ago. So many miles away, so different in every regard, and yet somehow the same adjective is there again. I'm not sure what I should feel. Does it feel weird? sure, and is it really disappointing? Yes it is. And I can even say I feel disappointed about you, hoped you could be different and hoped you would think about me in a nice way. Just like a normal way, you know? if I could be a human to you, and not like a weird robot?
Maybe both of you said the same thing because both of you are right. If we took, again, a group of a hundred people and we asked them what They thought, maybe they would use this adjective, they would say the same thing, and I am the only person who cannot see it. Then again, I guess that can be stupid. A life where you believe everything you hear, where you believe all the adjectives that the world gives you. That goes into the territory of elementary school wall posters, and tired proverbs from Facebook and from Instagram, and all the other platitudes you grew up with;
don't let the world tell you who you are? I guess?
only if seven people tell me in the same day that I look like George Washington,
isn't it a safe bet that none of them are just making it up?
sowhat whocares whocares whocares
~
sorry to be writing when I am not feeling the best
only I have Tweeted this before and I think I will say it again;
somewhere I am in a padded cell, wearing a straight jacket and having a dream of this life
because that is just what it feels like sometimes
the entire world feels designed to exploit something, like it knows what I needed the most and it set up a chessboard in which I could never have it. It's like my own brain created a fake remedy, something that would make all the problems go away, and then it imagined a world where this fake remedy existed, only where everyone else had it instead of me
I know the adjectives you use for the others. I know the way you feel about them. I see it everywhere. All those dumb songs on TV are talking about you, and the movie stars & the Trending topics and all the best knock knock jokes and the sports teams. Everything that is fun, you are there inside it, and so are your snob friends and all the other eight billion humans in the world. Only I am not, and that is a weird feeling. and I do not really know if I will be able to take it forever
I hope all that changes though
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