Believing some things is hard
and not everyone thinks there's a 'good' and an 'evil'
Maybe you aren't with me
Only I think 'good' and 'evil' are real; Some things I believe through experience and contemplation, analysing, meditation, and self-actualization; Good and evil though, are like 'hot' and 'cold,' Call them what you want, only I live in a world where I feel them. And here I have felt good things, and evil ones too, an entertaining lyric which was good, and a case of sniffles that was evil. Good is everywhere, and evil is too, even if I know how controversial I am being. The taste of the Coca-Cola you liked? Good; The way you felt when she complimented your eyes? Good; the way the soldier jumped on a bomb to save someone else? Good, good, good. The way she moved away from you, ignored you, and tried not to make eye contact with you? Evil. the pain in your shoulder that will not go away? Evil. And the pejorative he used to describe you? Evil. Not just uncomfortable, only really, very evil - - -
~ ~ ~
Yes, this is controversial; it is a personal view and I will listen to yours. Only this is what I am saying, This is a way I have felt in my life. This is something that I can see and wonder if you see it too -
That Beauty is good, beauty brightens the path to love,
love creates life, life fans out and keeps on loving,
That Death is a limit, a cancer that chops love off the block,
The disease they found when they tested you? Evil.
Death is a limit that we have to deal with
The law of the land. For now.
~
I remember a time when someone said to me, 'You are ugly.' That may have been the the only time, the only instance where the message was so clear. I heard it again, though, in many rooms, or car rides, and classrooms and even texts. Don't think I didn't understand what you meant, when you tried to ignore me, and you listened to someone else, when you wouldn't laugh at what I said and you laughed at something different. When you pretended not to hear the rumor that reached you, when you got very quiet and tried to let a conversation sink into the drain.
(this is very, very controversial)
These imperfect features, being skinny and pale,
these thin, flat bodies and weird, sick-looking faces,
some displeasing visuals? skin that is not clean, arms with not enough muscle,
Things which look unhealthy, non-virile,
Look like they would lose a battle with another animal, and Die,
rather than kill the other animal, and Live,
these less than attractive features? . . . Evil.
~ ~ ~
'See that kind of plain-looking girl over there? Bill says her appearance is comparable to a cancer.'
~
Yes it is easy to twist what I am saying, to Change my theory into a mean-spirited one, where anyone plain-looking is without hope, and only carrying a disease. And no, that isn't what you should do, because brains do better when they slow down & weigh everything without anger. Only the question in the end is, Why is it so ridiculous? can you not see it? You are sad if you are diagnosed with a life-threatening disease, but why? Because you want life instead of death. The scale is less, the certainty less, and the visibility is less, Yes - Only aren't these the same? aren't these cousins? isn't the man with scrawny arms, with a small frame and a weak Jaw, isn't this a man who has aesthetics which suggest he is going to die? Maybe, yes, in the literal sense, in the hunter-gatherer world where a man has to fight a cheetah - - - Only in the realer, and deeper, and even self-referential sense, too, isn't this the case? the short, bald, and pimpled man, who is more likely to be ignored, to be lonely, to be left in a basement without procreation? without that procreation . . . won't he die in a way, too?
~
1. You; I did a lot of good things to you. I wasn't perfect, and don't deserve being called a hero, because I was human the whole time and I really got things jammed. Only I did some very good things to you, things that fall on the 'good' side of the T-chart in clumps of fifteen and twenty. And do you know something? I am not the only person who has done good things to you; There are hundreds and hundreds of others, one I am thinking of, in particular, right now. Do you know what the difference is, between this particular person, and me? They are rewarded for it; You tell them they are 'good.' You are not afraid to publicise it, to display and to boast and to materialise this, to show how much you love them, and say how much you love them, and give them their reward for embodying so much Good. And when they reciprocate, you Let them reciprocate, You let this little Train of love blow its steam; Only do you remember when I tried to be nice? When I wanted to give you something, post a picture in a certain place, or tell you about your value when we were in the apartment? You wouldn't look at me and you wouldn't let me. And for all the good things I put in this formula, you rewarded me by never mentioning them, by not speaking to me for ten weird months. And don't think the few words after the ten months were any recompense, either. Do you understand this, or will your mind refuse it, love?
~
It was a different person who said, 'You are ugly.' and today, I don't really believe them. I don't believe that I am ugly and I don't believe that everyone thinks so. And it isn't because my eyes convinced me otherwise, it isn't because I am a good looking person that I refuse to believe it. It is because of the things I am able to do. I listened to you when no one else would. Good. I lost time and sleep because you asked me to do a 'favor.' Good. I bought things for you, wrote things, and did all of the things that were too difficult for you to manage. Because I wanted to help you, love. Good. I wasn't perfect, buddy, I really wasn't, Only I will not pretend these goods did not happen - - - I will not
~
And when they are in the corner, rating everyone from 1 to 10
I don't want to hear what they call me. It would bother me
Only I look at you and I look at this,
And there is a seed in me & it will sprout,
and someday I will be the high score in this discussion,
Why? because there is enough good to work with,
enough real good that beauty must be on its way
I promise you
you will see it someday.
Yes, love, yes
somewhere there is beauty in me
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