1. Sometimes people say, 'I know how you feel'
And I appreciate those moments & I have said it in the past, and yet my philosophy is different. I do not think that anyone knows how we feel; and yes I mean truly anyone. Suppose there is a man who is sitting on a sofa, and eating a handful of chips. Now one of the chips falls & lands on the floor, and now it is out of his reach and moreover covered in germs. And now he is very sad. So . . . I posit to you that no one in the world knows how this man feels; Do not misunderstand me. I think you have dropped your food before, and I think you know what the feeling is like which happens. And yet You do not know this man as well as he does, and what he has experienced & What he was going through, and what precise psychological atoms are presently in orbit. How much more then? how much more when someone says 'I am sad because I am lonely. I am sad because I am unappreciated. I am sad because I am overworked.' Isn't it truly futile to try and enter their brain, as though we have a time-share in that place . . . ?
2. 'I wish that things were different'
You have heard this sentence before, Maybe even thought it . . . Only this sentence could be interpreted differently; You are staring at a cube drawn on a piece of paper, then you adjust your brain & it jumps to face the other direction. Do the same thing with this sentence. 'I wish that things were different.' I wish I were not burdened by this Thing that happened. what do I mean? it seems that if we could change this Thing, if we could go back in Time & keep the butterfly from flapping his wings in Peking, it seems that things would be . . . well, what do I mean. I wish that things were different. I wish this butterfly had flown elsewhere . . . of all the brains, of all the skeletons in the world . . . it flew into mine
3. It's weird. I keep thinking about my last year in college, the fourth one. I think, 'How did I survive that?' it was like driving a car into the sun, everything got so hot that I got fever & couldn't see. It's weird that I attempted it, that a lot of the time I was in the passenger seat of a car . . . Trying to hang on to a comet's tail while it careened through space. No remember when I would fall asleep, like a rock, on the sofas? I didn't want to look up, I didn't want to meet the monster who was breathing on me. Well. I guess I want to make it clear that this isn't about me, that this is about gratitude, & yet I think what I mean to say is that someone was looking out for me during all that. Maybe if you had watched that year, like a movie, you wouldn't have seen the shooting stars and the monsters . . .You wouldn't see the weird assortment of tunnels, the pools of water I had to step in and even stranger, how there were some moments of sanctuary in a temple with booby traps, & lemonade and a ping-pong table. I know though, on the inside, what evils I survived there. I'm thankful that someone was watching over me since I am not enough by myself.
4. 'I wish that things were different'
What thing am I talking about? It concerns price. You know, of course, that price is desire & demand, that an item is not expensive unless it is very valued. Here I am at a far-fetched auction, seeing the pricetag on an antique rocketship. It is so very expensive, but why. Because I value it. And it's so expensive in fact, that I can't afford to buy it. 'There's only one thing to do,' says the cartoon character on my shoulder, who has a halo, or angel wings, or a harp or something. 'You must discover that the rocketship is not so valuable, & that way it will become cheaper . . . ' And I think, But how should I discover that the rocketship is not so valuable? And deep down, I know that the answer is, 'Buy it' . . . Go broke so that I can afford it
. . .
5. Can you understand that you are a mystery? That although I should understand you, should have no trouble seeing what kind of animal you are, my eyesight is always going to be stupid? What are the possibilities . . . That you are a 'Q' on the chart and that I thought you were a '7' . . . That you are a 'Q' on the chart, and that I thought you were an 'O' . . . Or maybe, love, that you were a 'Q' on the chart and that's what I thought you were going to be too, Shouldn't this be different, SHOULDN'T this be different???? Isn't it absurd that after so many voyages, climbs up Idiot Mountain, that now, I still can't see? Even the fact that I'm wondering? ever?
I should have been a pair of ragged bubbles,
scuttling at the bottom of a Coke
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